Finding The Balance: The Plight Of The Working Mom with Molly Ryden

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Meg Brunson

Hey, FamilyPreneurs, I'm happy to have you with me again today and to introduce you to Molly Ryden. Molly is a mindset and clarity coach who specializes in helping moms find their true passion and purpose in their career and rediscover their love of parenting. I think this is so important how easy it is for us to feel overwhelmed and suddenly have a dislike for what we're doing either in business or in the home. Right?

Molly Ryden

Exactly. Yeah. Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to get these. Wow, I can't talk. I'm just so excited.

Meg Brunson

I'm excited to have you here. And I love talking about mom guilt and the negative things. Right. I think people see other they see podcast hosts or business owners on social media and things, and it looks like we've got our lives together and we've got it all figured out, and we don't. Nobody really does. So having these conversations that they're raw, they're real, and they allow people to understand that what they're going through, we're all going through in our own way.

Molly Ryden

It's really funny to me because social media has painted this picture of if you don't have the filter, and I like to say the floppy hat. If you don't have the filter in the floppy hat, you're not parenting. Right for social media. And that's not true at all because everyone's got a pile of clutter in a corner or I know for me, it's a random grocery bag filled with Legos and Magnatiles and junk mail because when someone comes over, you're like, oh, God. And you just throw it in a bag and you move on. I often forget about the bag, but that's my problem. And we have to make social media and the perception of parenting real again because we're all going through the same stuff. And that was one of the things that I found really disenchanting as I traveled into Parenthood was that no one told me that. Everyone lets you believe, it's like this creepy, ha ha, got you, like, fooled you type thing where everyone makes you believe it's so wonderful and you get these cute little pictures. I'm not kidding you when I tell you I didn't know what a blowout was.

Meg Brunson

Oh, no.

Molly Ryden

I did not know that those little Gremlins could forcibly do that out of their diaper. I did not know that was a thing.

Molly Ryden

No one told me I had been around babies, but I had never experienced it. So the first time it happened, my husband and I were both like, what did we do wrong? We broke it. We broke our baby. And my friend was like, no, that happens all the time. That's normal. What?

Molly Ryden

Like there's just this idea of we don't share the bad. And so when you do, then you are a person who like, you're a hot mess mom, and you're all these labels. It's like, no, I'm just a mom.

Meg Brunson

Just a normal mom.

Molly Ryden

Trying to survive.

Meg Brunson

Right! Can you give us a little insight? Where does the mom guilt come from? Where does it originate? Like, why is it even there to begin with?

Molly Ryden

So I'm really into this topic right now. Mom guilt really comes from a generational perspective. And it dates back to the World War Two era when a lot of the men were fighting overseas and they would come home and it's untreated mental health complications, and men would come home and just we weren't dealing with it. And so women just took on everything. Most of them were primarily at home, but they were handling all the responsibility with the kids and all the responsibility of the home. And as our economy has developed and as society has changed, women have had to leave the house, most of them by choice. A lot of them have decided, I want more and I want to leave the house and I want to work, but they still have all their responsibilities at home. And then it just becomes overwhelming. But don't talk about it because Cheryl down the streets doing it and she's not saying anything. And Becky around on the corner is also doing it, and she has two more kids than I have. So I really got to keep it together and it's just not sustainable and it's not fair.

Molly Ryden

And so it's just kind of been this societal problem as we've got to this current generation of parents where it's almost required in most places in the country to have two people working and you have to be dual income and you have to I know a lot of moms who work full time and also have a side hustle, and then they're doing gymnastics, soccer, baseball, like all the things all the time. And it's like this is insanity. And so you get this idea of I'm not doing enough because one thing will happen. You'll forget cleats for soccer or you forgot it was your turn for snack or PTA will ask you to say no, and we just let it consume us and we shame each other for it, too. That's a big problem on social media is, mom's attacking moms. Mom-on-mom hate. And I don't have a real great solution for that, but it's just supporting each other is the only way we're going to ever get mom guilt to go away.

Meg Brunson

This is something that hits close to home for me today or this week, I should say, is that mom-on-mom hate or parent-on-parent hate, if you will, because the example I'm thinking of wasn't just moms. It's not just me and you going at it on social media. It's also passing judgment on celebrities and on other influencers. And you see a celebrity parent who's doing something that you think is a little wild. It's not within our normal cultural norms, but if you take a step back, they're not hurting anybody right yet for some reason I feel like and I can fall into this, too. I'm not innocent here, okay. But it's like you fall into this trap of, like, oh, my gosh, did you see what they're doing with their child? Can you believe they would name their child X? Whatever. And you just get that little bit of, like, gossipy, judgment. And the problem is that other people see it, and it impacts other people. And there's those invisible layers of impact. And I don't have an answer. I think the answer is just to be more kind.

Molly Ryden

I think kindness goes a long way.

Meg Brunson

But like I said, it just hit a point there where I think social media can cause us to spiral, even if you don't think- you're not, like, telling somebody to their face that what they're doing is wrong. But because you're commenting on what some celebrity is doing, you're making anybody else who kind of agrees with them, feel wrong.

Molly Ryden

Yeah. And I encountered this quite a bit. Living on the West Coast and being from the Midwest, my parenting beliefs and my parenting system can be very different from parents around here. And I joke around with my kid, my three year old and I have a very we joke around a lot, and I'll call him things like a knucklehead or a goofball. And, like, nothing hurtful. I mean, I will admit I call him names behind his back, like, when he's not near me, I'll be stupid little jerk. Things like that. When you're frustrated, right? You got to let it out. But I called him a goofball at preschool. And we go to a co-op preschool, which was a foreign concept for me. And I was like, you know, we hear you a goofball. And then another parent was like, you shouldn't talk to him that way. That can be condemning to him. And I was like, I'm really sorry that you feel that way. But, like, I also was telling him to come over here to get affection, and so I could, like, get him ready to go. And I guess that was really my first kind of, like, encounter of face to face, like, parenting disagreement.

Molly Ryden

And we had a discussion at the same preschool about, like, what parents do you look up to? And I said, I really admire people love or hate her. I really admire Chrissy Teigen because I think for the most part, she's very honest and real about whatever. And it wasn't an attack. I mean, I love these moms, and we have great conversations. We learn a lot from each other, but it was just kind of- "that's who..." - from a celebrity perspective. Yeah. And my mom didn't do everything right, and I admire her, too. None of us are perfect. And I think it's chasing this idea of perfect parenting that we end up making these comments of, "can you believe that someone named their kid Molly? That's a dog's name," which totally is. But it's my name, too. And you get a lot of that because people want to look better. People want to feel better about. I wasn't raised that way, and I don't believe that. So I'm going to make sure other people agree with me rather than saying, that's a really interesting name. I've never heard a kid named... I don't want to say the name.

Meg Brunson

I was like, I don't want to call out any specific celebrity. The one that I always think of is Apple, right? That was Gwyneth Paltrow. I don't follow celebrity news. I assume our daughter is still "Apple," but when that happened.

Molly Ryden

People were upset.

Meg Brunson

I want to say I was in high school. I could be wrong. And I'm obviously dating myself here. But it was the topic of not just conversation, but of eye rolls and just negativity. And it's like, okay, so you wouldn't name your kid Apple, that's fine. But it doesn't hurt anybody.

Molly Ryden

Yeah. The things that we get upset about, who cares? I admitted on a workshop the other day, I don't fold my kids clothes. And the pearl-clutching that took place with some of these other moms. Like, what's the point, guys? That's 45 minutes out of my day that I could be doing something else and he's just going to tear it apart in his dresser anyway. He's not going to keep his clothes perfectly folded. And my kid is super into wearing mismatched socks. I don't know where it came from, but I just let it happen because it doesn't hurt anybody. But that is the first thing that other people comment on. They're like, his socks don't match, and I'm like, he picked them out. I don't know. They're socks. They literally hurt nothing and just keep his feet a little bit warmer.

Meg Brunson

It's like a combination of picking your battles with your kids. Right. But I think the other piece of it is defining what success looks like. So for you as a mom, success doesn't mean all his clothes are folded. And that's okay.

Molly Ryden

Yeah. My new catchphrase is "Better Homes and Gardens isn't coming, and your friends will not write a Yelp review about your home." And no one's in my kids dresser anyway.

Meg Brunson

Right.

Molly Ryden

Laundry is my least favorite adulting task, and it has been forever. And so don't be honest. I don't fold my own clothes because that time can be spent doing other things. That is time I can spend with my kids. That's time I can spend with my husband. That's time I can spend by myself because no one cares if my Ursula graphic tee is perfect, has crisp corners. It doesn't matter. It's usually under a hoodie or I'm home by myself, anyway. If I have a formal affair, my ball gown will be pressed and hanging in my closet. But year three of a Panorama, and I'm not going anywhere. So, like, my clothes sit in three hampers in the bottom of my closet. They're all clean. I got a dirty hamper on the other side. But it's prioritizing and understanding what your perfect parenting is and what your standards are, and it's just letting people live. And that's the solution for mom guilt. If they're not hurting anybody - it's mom rule 101. Is it hurting anybody? No? Leave it alone. The number of times I tell my kids that the number of times my mom told me that it's not hurting anybody.

Molly Ryden

Just leave it alone. Right? Who cares if Apple Martin- cool, it probably sparked a whole generation of new naming conventions for people. I've heard some doozies and  I just go, oh, okay. How do you spell that? Because I don't know. People probably think the name Miles is weird. I don't know. The things we choose to be persnickety about is interesting.

Meg Brunson

And even if you're listening and you're like, oh, my gosh, I can't imagine not folding my laundry. Some people may love that. There's something like rhythmic of folding the laundry. Maybe you listen to a podcast, maybe that is your me time, and that's great. You're not saying don't fold your laundry, but maybe for you it's, I don't know, putting the dishes away. Like, maybe you just use them right out of the dishwasher. I don't know what it is, but it's okay that we all have different values when it comes to parenting.

Molly Ryden

And that's I think one of the dangers of parenting and modern mom culture is that we all have ideas, right? We hear like, oh, I've heard about authoritative parenting and permissive parenting and perfect parenting, which isn't a real thing. But you hear gentle parenting is the new thing. And I follow a number of TikTok'ers who- every version of gentle parenting is different. Like, none of them are the intended psychological definition of gentle parenting. And I just know it because I research all these things to help my clients understand, okay, this is the method you want to use. This is what they say. Like, this is scholarly knowledge here, and that's fine. My version of gentle parenting is different from someone else's. My husband is the most permissive parent ever, and I'm Super authoritative because you have to have that dichotomy, right? Like, someone has to be a good cop, the bad cop. And it's okay. We are not hurting anybody. We are doing what is best for our situation because every kid is different, every person is different, and every kid is different. And you have to manipulate situations to make them work for you. That's how innovation is made.

Molly Ryden

That's how progress is made. So I think if we just learn to get out of everybody's bushes and let them live their lives, stop peeking over the fence, we'd be better off. And mom guilt would dissipate over time.

Meg Brunson

And I agree with you, and I think in a perfect world, maybe we're even on that path. And hopefully, if not, maybe we'll trigger that to start going... But in the meantime, while mom is still here and there is a ton of judgment on social media in the real world, let's be honest, I've been the parent at the grocery store with a screaming toddler or stuff happens in real life and you feel the looks. So what are some strategies that we can use now? Is it like, in my family we've just started doing gratitude and mantras like, are those? Is that the answer? Is that part of the puzzle? What are some suggestions that you have?

Molly Ryden

I mean, I really think that gratitude, affirmations and opening yourself up for shifting into a growth mindset is huge. If you stay in a place where you believe I am only a good mom if I achieve X, Y, and Z and you don't open yourself to the possibility like, oh, wait, I could be a good mom if I do L, M, N, O, P as well. And I don't always have to do XYZ, like giving yourself the opportunity to understand that things will change. And change is a scary concept for a lot of people. Like opening yourself up for that possibility of things needing to be different, of you needing to be different and you needing to learn and grow and adapt is huge. And I firmly believe that gratitude affirmations and setting intentions for your day, day, week, month, five year plan. I don't care. Setting intentions along with gratitude and affirmations is a huge deal. My gratitude practice is a little different from other people. I do present manifestation, so present gratitude. Then I do my goal. I write down three people that I'd like to just forget for the day, three people who are bugging me, and then I don't think about them again.

Molly Ryden

And then I do my intention for the day I do affirmations and then I do manifesting gratitude, like future gratitude. So I'm currently pregnant with our second child, and for six months I wrote, I have a healthy and full term second pregnancy, so I'm just not going to get all universe woo woo, but I'm pretty sure I manifested it. Because it put me in- a saw that result. I saw the outcome of what I wanted for my life. And by setting that intention of setting up a successful business, having a healthy kid, doing that, it put me in a place where my body was like, all right, she's got it together. Let's give her that baby. Now that I'm like the Virgin Mary and it was like the Immaculate Conception, there was effort put into it, right? But I was mentally and physically ready for that change. It's the same thing with, I put in the number of clients I want to get every month or the number of women I want to change their lives because I'm that powerful, I change women's lives, help women change their lives, help them come up with a strategy and plan to do that.

Molly Ryden

And that's what those last five. That last five manifesting gratitude helps with and it just coming from a place of gratitude gives you a more positive perspective. It is a proven thing. If you start your day thinking of the good that you have, it makes it better, and it makes it easier to work through the mud and the muck. Can I cuss? The bullshit. Because you don't need to meet anyone else's expectations. You're not responsible for how other people feel about the things that you do. You're responsible for how you feel about it, and the gratitude helps you to move through it and empowering yourself with the affirmations. And they don't have to be big wordy things. Sometimes I just write, I am enough, like, I am always enough. And that can be my affirmation for the day, because it doesn't feel that way sometimes.

Meg Brunson

Sure. Especially talking about mom guilt.

Molly Ryden

Yeah.

Meg Brunson

Sometimes that's what you need to hear in that moment.

Molly Ryden

I recommend putting them on mirrors in your house or on the door for a while. I had one on the radio of my car, just a little post it that said I am a badass and like, it was there. And it was a good reminder for me when I was driving to the NICU every day to see my son. I can do this. I am a badass and I am good enough and I'm going to be fine.

Meg Brunson

Yeah. Maybe we need, like, an affirmation that shows up on people's social media that says I'm kind to people.

Molly Ryden

I'm kind every day. We just need to spam Instagram with posts saying "I'm kind."

Meg Brunson

If I don't have anything nice to say, I won't say anything at all.

Molly Ryden

Oh, man. Can you imagine how much better off we would all be if people followed that rule?

Meg Brunson

I really can't. I really don't think my brain could understand that impact. If people did not.

Molly Ryden

The whole world would be like, Minnesota, just full of like, "oh, gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean inconvenience by asking you a question." I can say that because I'm from there. It's offensive. If someone else does, it. Okay.

Meg Brunson

Good to know.

Molly Ryden

It's like picking on your younger sibling. Like, you can do it, but other people can't.

Meg Brunson

Sure. Now, how do you have any strategies for what about, like, self care. I don't know what your obviously, I don't know what your support network looks like at home, but I, for one, I'm in a situation where we don't have support. My husband and I, we travel full time. We're in the woods. There's no family around. Do you have strategies for self care? Because I think that's an aspect that lots of parents are missing out on. That will help.

Molly Ryden

Yeah. And it can be real tricky. We're here by ourselves. We have really tried to build a support network, but it can be tricky because we don't have a lot of friends with little kids here, and our friends with older kids are obviously busy doing older kid things. So my strategy for self care is get what you can get and build from there. If you have to start with, I get ten minutes by myself in the morning to get a few sips of hot coffee and listen to a podcast. Just listen to a song that can help you relax, breathe, and center yourself. Start from there. My reminder, though, is that basic human needs like showering, eating three meals a day, brushing your teeth, and putting on clean clothes is not self care. It makes you feel better and it makes you feel like a whole self. But that is just what you need. And if you're in a situation with a partner who is not assisting, they may not know. I find that a lot with the women I talk to. Well, I never asked my husband to have time. You have to ask, you can't expect people to know what you need if you don't communicate it.

Molly Ryden

And there's no shame in saying, I just need 20 minutes and go walk around the block. I encourage everybody to find, make a playlist, find a podcast, do something that you know will be a break for you. I love Wine And Crime. It's a great podcast. They talk about murder and they drink wine and it's great. And I love listening to parenting podcasts because it reaffirms what I'm doing is not completely broken. And just also, like, I listen to The Greatest Showman, probably more than any one human being should. But that soundtrack makes me happy. Just finding little things and then you build from there. And that gets into time blocking, structuring your family and carving out that time to do the things that fortify you. My number one quote that I say way too much, is you cannot pour from an empty cup. Because you can't. Like, if you think of yourself as a robot, you need a secondary source of energy and that's your emotional energy. Like physically you can sleep and you can get up and you can mom your butt off from 07:30 A.m. To 10:00 P.m., folding laundry, doing dishes, taking care of dogs, running to appointments, doing all those things.

Molly Ryden

But inside your secondary battery is just kind of going --- you've got to have something for yourself. You have to have something that will recharge you and fill you back up. And I think starting small is always- because the number one thing I see is moms have no self care practice. They're hurting because they're trying to do everything. And that mom guilt comes in and tells them, oh, you know, Meg, I don't think it's a real good idea for you to go and have a Starbucks by yourself. Because you could be folding laundry. No, throw those 3T shirts in the drawer and go get yourself a latte.

Meg Brunson

And I think that when you take care of yourself, like you said with the cup quote, but also, I think it makes it easier to combat those feelings of guilt.

Molly Ryden

And you'll handle Adversity so much better. You'll be able to handle, like, that unexpected blow out that we had. Like, if I was taking care of myself, I probably wouldn't have cried and had a mental breakdown about that. Literally means when you're taking care of yourself, you're almost building a little fortress around your heart. And it doesn't break as easy because you have patience, you have tolerance, you have more understanding because you're not running on fumes.

Meg Brunson

Yes. Awesome. I want to know, you've got workshops that you do monthly, right? Can you tell us a little bit about the workshop?

Molly Ryden

Yeah. So my workshop is called Uniquely Yours. It's 90 minutes, very interactive. I expect participation, which scares some people, but everyone warms up eventually. And what we do is we talk a lot about going through recent past, finding the things that negatively affected you, letting it go. And then we move into a place of understanding how we can build those organizational structures within the family, through time blocking, scheduling, reprioritizing. And I don't mean like, what you think is important is not important. It's just understanding your priorities. And then we focus on what would bring you joy. Is it having a latte by yourself? Is it going to basket weaving? Is it just getting exercise in on a regular basis? And I will tell you, the number one thing people tell me in that workshop is I just want to shower every day. And I'm like, that's a different conversation. We'll touch on that, too. And we identify what your self care needs are. And it's just fun. We hang out, we chat. I'm pretty funny. And we just cover finding you a path. You want to start your own business. Cool. Great. Let's go down that path.

Molly Ryden

Let's figure out what your business should be. You want to spend more time on your business? Great. Let's get you more time for that. You want to spend more time watching soccer or Bravo or whatever? Cool. We're going to work on your family structure to get you that. And it's hard. It's a practice, and it's a change, but everyone loves it and it's very rewarding in the long run.

Meg Brunson

It's hard, but it's going to be worth it.

Molly Ryden

To me. I say it's a practice. Rescheduling your family is a practice. Just like yoga. No one goes into yoga the first time. And it's like, awesome at it. It's not possible.

Meg Brunson

Nope.

Molly Ryden

And you got to keep working on it. And that's the same thing with gratitude and affirmations. When you start doing that, you got to keep at it because it will. Looking back in my gratitude Journal from the last two years, from where I've come to where I am now, and reading those things is so rewarding, watching me cross off the things in the future that have happened is great.

Meg Brunson

That's awesome. And that's going to feel amazing.

Molly Ryden

It's so awesome. Next up is Disney Vacation Club. It's on the list. It's going to happen this year.

Meg Brunson

Well, I hope Covid agrees with you.

Molly Ryden

Yeah, I know- that guy.

Meg Brunson

Where can our listeners and viewers, where can they connect with you and learn? Obviously... Before we do that, I think I love how you describe the workshop. I feel like the workshop is like, if this podcast resonated with you, the workshop is literally the next step where you can get that. Maybe not. It's a group, right? So it's like one on-

Molly Ryden

Yeah, it's a group. It's no more than ten, so it's a real small group. I mean, half the time it's Babes and arms like, moms are sitting there holding their Littles and we're working through this stuff where you got to leave because someone karate chopped someone else, and it's fluid, it's interactive, and it's more personalized.

Meg Brunson

Well, I love that. I love the sound of that. And I feel like it sounds like a perfect companion to this episode. We'll put the link for that in the Show Notes, and then where else are you typically hanging out in the online world?

Molly Ryden

I'm on Facebook, Instagram, and I'm trying to do TikTok, but I'm just like, I'm too old for Tik Tok you can find me at MamaNeedsMeTime.com, and all those links are listed there to find me on social media. And I'm working on getting more content up on the website. And, yeah, that's just where I hang out.

Meg Brunson

Awesome. Well, I am just like you. I love TikTok too, but I'm just a consumer there. I've done a couple of videos with my kids, but I mostly just consume. And that's a little bit of the me time I enjoy, because when I go to TikTok, it's mostly puppy videos. And so it's just me, like, having some puppy time.

Molly Ryden

There's a lot of hiding in the bathroom on TikTok. Like, oh, no, mom is in the bathroom watching TikToks.

Meg Brunson

Yep. No shame. No shame in that game.

Molly Ryden

I don't feel guilty about it at all.

Meg Brunson

Are there Oreos, too? Because I usually have Oreos...

Molly Ryden

No, because we're not allowed to have Oreos in my house because my husband has a problem. He'll eat them in five minutes. So no Oreos.

Meg Brunson

When we were in a house, I would hide cookies. Our closet was attached to the bathroom, so it wasn't like I was eating in the bathroom, but I would hide cookies in the closet, and I just go, like, munch in the closet a little bit.

Molly Ryden

We also have a Corgi who eats everything, so it would just be a disaster. I'm not good enough at hiding.

Meg Brunson

Well, thank you so much. It was great to connect with you. It was such a fun discussion. And again, check the Show Notes for those links. And thanks again for taking time out of your schedule to be here with us today.

Molly Ryden

Thank you so much. And just remember everyone needs to take care of themselves. Including moms!

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